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Sabotage to self acceptance


Let me explain. I have experienced a wonderful phenomenon in NY and the States; the existence and celebration of the curvy, larger than life, FAT woman! Those of the luscious goddess persuasion, of which I count myself a member, are advocating body positivity. They are models, actresses, lawyers, professionals, entrepreneurs, singers, the woman behind the counter. Bold, beautiful, bountiful women. So what is the problem?

I find myself in a Catch 22 situation; body positivity has made me uber comfortable. Imagine! I over love myself right now.

The other issue? Genetically Modified foods and antibiotic injected meats! “Outrageous!” I hear you cry. I kid you not. Unlike Europe, food and crop production is not heavily regulated in the USA and so happily feed the nation hormones, not only in meat but vegetables as well. You can purchase organic foods at a price of course. I could not fathom how a loaf of bread sitting in my cupboard for 3 weeks had no mould! I hate wasting food but now I have to force myself to dispose of suspicious items at the back of my fridge. I write all this to say that I have gained weight without even trying! I am not so unreasonable as to expect no change in my physique following marriage and a change of dietary habits. However, this is CRAZY! The result of these two opposite influential factors to my mental and emotional viewpoint of myself is one of exasperation!


Acceptance. I only reached this moment through tears, the encouraging and motivating words of my darling husband and laughter. I also needed to reach back to a time and place of self acceptance through daily affirmations. To return to the acceptance of change, empowering myself through a programme of regular exercise, (making the gym a bonding exercise with my husband because I find it sooo boring and having a boom soundtrack) and eating as healthy as possible. No specific dieting but being mindful and deliberate in my choices of foods, drink, the time to sleep, and taking time to exercise. I took back control and enjoyed the changes. I respected myself and acceptance of this “new” body, and positively fed my mind with images of models such as Ashley Graham and Marquita Pring, women who I saw myself in. I looked around my area of Harlem and smiled at the variety of beautiful women, black, white, latino; all a cacophony of curves and struts. I recall my own beautiful mother, bounteous hips and loud laughter who always reiterated to me “fat girls have more fun Pinky!” whilst dancing around the room. I hadn’t realised what my mother was installing in me until now. Hadn’t realised that she was the larger woman out of all her siblings, they being slim, but mum was loved and celebrated for her larger than life personality. The importance of accepting yourself at every step of your journey no matter your size, loving the woman I am inside who is absent of size but bounteous in love.


In this Instagram, image heavy world, appreciation of myself will be a continuous journey. I will need to check in with me, affirm myself and be mindful of those self deprecating thoughts. I will need to expect those moments of doubt to happen and not freak out when I eat an antibiotic burger from time to time!

Here’s to self appreciation!


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